His world just burn too bright, he lives way too fast, he like the feeling of drugs and alcohol, he likes to use his animals instinct, he likes to not be attached, but who does, right? He likes to feel the skin, to feel the connection between two bodies. He likes the danger. He dares destiny. He himself times to times too, but he fails and get back to his old self. He didn't wanted to change the right girl, but he twisted her mind and tuned her into him. His world sound cool, sound dangerous, sounded like something she wanted to taste. Poor girl, she lost herself on him, and can't get her back. He doesn't get lost, lost is his state of mind. He like the game, she like the players. He likes all the girls who gave a look to him, she likes him and don't give a damn about the others who look at her. He don't know how to love, she think she loves him. He knows there's 7 billion other persons for her, way much better than him, but that's one thing he can't put on her mind. No one is never quite good enough.
Oh, but he didn't knew he would have caused that type of damage on her, if he knew... he wouldn't change a thing. He was just getting the opportunity of having a nice girl by his side, she was amazed by the ideia of being with someone she thought she would never fall for. "She was a smart girl, until she fall in love", that's what she heard. Oh, but the feeling... The feeling carried her away, and she lost herself in the process. And once you lost yourself is so fucking hard to get it back.
He is moving foward with his life. She can't move on.
He is still partying like he'll die tomorrow. She party more than she wanted to.
She didn't like vodka, now she never spend one weekend without it. He drinks of everything and thought she would never drink, until he saw her drunk.
She had amazing boys in her life, but she didn't let anyone of them in. He knows the time of get out running when some sort of feeling is growing. He can do that. She can do that either.
She said he act like someone without a heart. Now she acts just the same. He said she had an amazing hard, and she should never let him change it. She didn't listen.
She is still upset about the fact that he didn't wanted a relationship. Now she runs for every signal of relationship she gets. He do exactly the same thing, but he will eventually get tired.
She's stuck in something not real. He's stuck in reality.
She still believe in him, more than he believes in himself.
She still is the first person who's gonna ask if he's ok. He think that's nice, that she moved on.
She counts the months since the last time they saw each other. He doesn't even remember why they don't see each other much.
She holds onto him in the dark days. He doesn't know that. And he never will.
She wants so much love herself first, but cleaning up the mess he made is not an easy task. And she keeps trying. Sometimes she does keep trying, sometimes she let all that bad feeling come in and destroy her. She knows it's been more than a year, but she didn't get the closer she wanted. And it kills her. She moved away, but when she come back, he comes with her. She wants his hug, his smell. But she knows she won't get it.
He thinks all of it is in the past, that he can talk with her best friend, and whatever what she feels. He do not care. And he made it pretty clear.
She just wanna live.
He just wanna live.
They could be perfect, but he didn't wanted. She could have a perfect boyfriend, but she can't let anyone in after him. She feels scared. He don't know that feeling. She will be drinking at friday night with her friends. So will he. She will be having a nice time. He will too. And they could having that nice time together because they turned out to be alike. They don't know that. Well, maybe she does. But he don't. They will live like none of them existed. Someday, both of then will do that in the most easy way (but until that day, she keep writing about him and her, she keep crying for not being able to forget, and she will keep shutting people out, until someone shows up and chnage everything, again.)
quarta-feira, 12 de novembro de 2014
Parece que eu nunca supero o vício de escrever sobre você né? É só que eu tava pensando...Teve esse curto espaço de tempo que eu superei um amor bobo de anos e o tempo que você apareceu. Sei lá, tô aqui tentando lembrar como eu era antes disso tudo. E eu não lembro. Não tô tentando me fazer de louca apaixonada dizendo que eu não existia antes de você.. ao contrário. Eu existia. Só não sei se de fato, vivia. Tá, não tô dizendo que você me fez começar a viver. É só que você me desafiou a atravessar todos os meus extremos, e uma vez que atravessei.. descobri que os extremos são tão mais extremos e que tem tanta coisa que eu tinha que fazer ainda. Te agradeço por isso. Apesar de você ter virado meu mundo de ponta cabeça e ter bagunçado absolutamente tudo aqui dentro, eu meio que me achei no meio da bagunça. A bagunça me mostrou que toda aquela arrumação tava sem graça. Sem graça até demais. Queria tanto que você soubesse disso. Queria poder compartilhar tanta coisa com você. Queria compartilhar todas as coisas com você. Depois de quase um ano, eu decidi falar com você porque eu vi uma oportunidade boa.. e você não mudou nada. Não digo isso no sentido ruim da palavra, pelo contrário, você continua com aquele entusiasmo do primeiro dia que te conheci (aliás, descobri que foi um 12 de março, enfim). E posso falar? É tão bom saber que você tá bem. Tá vivendo. Tá feliz. Tá aproveitando. Foi bem clichê o fato da gente ter conversado de madrugada e ainda mais quando tava tocando aquela música da Taylor, e o sorrisinhos involuntários das suas palhaçadas apareciam. Mas ai eu lembrei também da dor que é saber que foi só aquilo e que não ia ter mais nada, apesar do seu "até amanhã". Não existe um amanhã pra nós dois, né? Nunca existiu, eu sei. Mas, por Deus, sou uma menina tola, deixa eu sonhar! A sensação que as suas mensagens causaram em mim é exatamente a mesma sensação de quando eu te vejo. E me dói saber que isso não mudou, porque eu preciso superar. Mas acho que eu não quero superar. Não tô pronta pra te deixar ir embora. E isso me assusta ainda mais. Até quando eu vou insistar numa rua sem saída? Tantas ruas mais bonitas para serem trilhadas, e eu aqui, insistindo no mesmo erro. Tem milhões de razões do por que eu devo desistir.. mas o coração quer o que quer.